For some, it’s the most wonderful time of the year.
But for others, ’tis the season for unmet expectations, stress and grief, and psychology experts say these feelings require compassion, empathy and support.
“One of the difficulties with emphasizing the festivity of the holidays is that people who are suffering or who may have experienced a substantial loss in their lives, don’t feel that way and they feel they don’t belong necessarily in that other festive context,” said Elizabeth Bachen, Lee Mirmow professor of psychological sciences at Northeastern University and director of the Mills Laboratory of Psychology and Health.
Holiday depression, or the “holiday blues,” is situational depression triggered by the holiday season from Thanksgiving to New Year’s Day, according to the Cleveland Clinic. Symptoms can include feeling depressed, losing interest or pleasure in things you enjoy, and anxiety, nervousness or being “on edge” around the holidays, the clinic says.
The condition can exacerbate existing mental illness, and stress during the holidays is well documented. A 2023 American Psychological Association poll found 89% of adults in the United States reported that financial concerns, missing loved ones and anticipating family conflict caused stress during the holidays.
Laurie Kramer, professor of applied psychology and professor and director of the counseling psychology Ph.D. program at Northeastern, said people are especially stressed during the season because the holidays are “marker events” that reflect where we are in our lives at the moment, compared to past years. Marker events can come both with high expectations and difficult associations, Kramer said.
“We often have these ideas of perfection and happiness, which are incredibly difficult to achieve, especially year after year,” Kramer said. “And if the holidays were a time where there was a significant loss or trauma in the family, that’s also what you’re going to be thinking about.”
Such thoughts don’t easily translate into tidings of comfort and joy.
“It can feel a little bit selfish to indulge in the holidays,” Kramer said. “How can I have a good time? How can I really let myself enjoy this when other people I love and care about can’t do that as well?”
Then there’s stress from gift giving, decorating, entertaining, cooking and maintaining “holiday cheer,” and the holidays can turn into “a chore,” Kramer said.
So what can you do if a loved one is experiencing the holiday blues?
“Naming it can be very helpful,” Kramer said. “Say, ‘it’s Hanukkah, or we’re coming on Christmas, we’re coming to the New Year, I know this is a difficult and stressful time, so let’s talk about what we can do to make it easier.'”
Bachen suggested making a list of ways you can help and asking the loved one to choose an option that would be most useful and effective.
But she advised that it’s important to offer both what psychologists call “emotional support” and “tangible support.” Emotional support might entail listening to someone talk about their emotions and expressing empathy, while tangible support could be assisting with concrete tasks, Bachen explained.
“Just being aware that there’s different kinds of support people need and checking in with a person to see what is needed at this time is a good thing to do,” Bachen said.
She added that understanding different kinds of grief can also be helpful.
The loss of a loved one to dementia, which Bachen cited as an example of ambiguous loss, may not be visible to all but a person’s closest relatives or friends. Cumulative loss, say the loss of a child and a subsequent divorce, can also have different kinds of feelings associated with each event.
And if you are feeling depressed yourself, Bachen recommended setting boundaries, but also perhaps fight that urge to isolate a little bit.
“Social support is also one of the strongest ways of buffering stress that we know,” Bachen said.
And take it easy on yourself.
“Resetting your expectations is really important,” Kramer said. “Forget about having the perfect holiday. Instead, think about what would make you happy—how could you imagine walking away from that day and feel like it was a nice event?”
If you care about mental health, please read studies about how dairy foods may influence depression risk, and 6 foods you can eat to improve mental health.
For more mental health information, please see recent studies about top foods to tame your stress, and Omega-3 fats may help reduce depression.
Written by Cyrus Moulton, Northeastern University.
